The Works

Ch-ch-changin

2010-12-03T17:29:00.002-06:00

apple products make my life easier. and in order for things to be as easy as possible i use apple products. apple products, as you may know, do not like google products. like blogger. so i am moving this here blog to tumblr. thataway i can use my iphone for absolutely all aspects of my life.

G O T H E R E

acaseoftheworks.tumblr.com

isn't that easy?

and it's pretty.

Kathy Bates: Crazier Than Me?

2010-12-01T18:21:00.003-06:00

Sometimes its good to take breaks from work and watch things. Episodes and such. Every now and then I take it upon myself to watch a full film instead of doing work. This really gets my creative juices flowing and such. Well, it's less than creative juices and more like utter panic by the time the movie is done. But then I really work like mad! This cycle does not work, however, when you watch Fried Green Tomatoes.

6 O'Clock Shadowboredom

2010-11-30T18:00:00.004-06:00

6 pm is basically the worst time of the day. The sun is either setting or, on the first day of "snow" in Chicago, it's already pitch-black out. 6pm is ESPECIALLY hard when you're trying to write a teaching philosophy. Yes, a philosophy about teaching when you have never taught. You write a philosophy about teaching hypothetical students in a hypothetical school in hypothetical situations wherein your students are hypothetically more engaged, curious and interesting than the Northface-wearing, Ugg-boots-stomping, gum-smacking, straightened-haired-sorority-girls-fake-smiling, cocked-baseball-hat-sweatpants-sagging-atheletes you ACTUALLY come in contact with on campus.

Thanksgiving You Heartburn

2010-11-29T16:03:00.009-06:00

I had an excellent thanksgiving in Memphis, TN. There was turkey AND ham. I forgot my real camera so, in honor of the inferiority of the iPhone camera, I here now dedicate this post to the dark side of Thanksgiving. The dark meat, if you will, of our gathering.

I watched a lot of football (go Auburn!) and I went on a four mile walk that made my legs want to fall off. Jenny totes blew it on the cheddar sausage balls. They didn't make the table. I really blew it with green bean casserole. Don't mistake the empty pan for satisfaction: substituting cream of chicken for cream of mushroom is the opposite of delicious. It shouldn't have made the table.

Gourds can get really ugly. I also learned that the innards of pomegranates are slightly disgusting looking. Specifically that skin-thing that holds it all together. All in all, it was beautiful. Without any further ado:

Leaving Illinois. Wildlife: they're just like us.

I started the holiday off right, paying homage to our fallen First Nation brethren.

F O T O D U M P Z

2010-11-21T17:34:00.003-06:00

Dave had cataracts surgery which, interestingly, means both a medical condition and a large waterfall. So, we made it rain, you could say, for two days in his honor. Shane was there. Alexis had a cat pin that looked crazy. Grace had a lazy eye. Dave and I sang Gypsy because that's what you're supposed to do. The bartender called me sir and a sign told us what we should REALLY do.

And basically it all ended in a fog/laser dream.

Just Another Manic Monday NOT

2010-11-09T18:25:00.003-06:00

I haven't written anything lately because everything is BORING. Like class today. It's supposed to go from 2-5, because as graduate students, as adults and as "intellectuals" we should be able to sustain conversation for that long. YEARITE. We were outta that joint at 3:30 - and we STRUGGLED to get there. And by "we" I mean the three of us in the class of 10 who regularly speak. Poor teacher. Such a quiet man.

In other news, Pepsodent is not a good toothpaste. That's what you get when Grace steals toothpaste from her parents.

Weekenders

2010-11-05T08:22:00.001-05:00

She's here. We have a busy schedule of CHILLING TO THE MAXXX.

lunchfest

2010-11-02T23:01:00.003-05:00

Evanston got really real today. Sometimes you just need to eat a whole lotta this before you head into a super boring class full of super boring people with even more boring ideas. And by ideas I mean they actually don't say a single word during class while the poor professor suffles papers around and attempts to bring up multiple new discussion ideas.

"Graduate School."

Indian Food, Indian Dreams

2010-10-25T22:59:00.002-05:00

Let's go here:

The bathroom is superchic.

In case you're having problems deciphering this graphic demonstration of shitting, one says "ugh" as what I assume to be poop, which might also be some sort of fluffy tail, goes in the "toilet" while strange eyeballs look on.

Who Did This to Me?

2010-10-25T14:02:00.004-05:00

Does it make sense for it to take upwards of 15 minutes to print out a single mailing label using Microsoft Word? Does it make sense to print out this label using this "program" and said label will print out double-spaced? Does it make sense that this label will print out double-spaced when, on the screen, it is very clearly a single-spaced entry? Does any of this, folks, make any goddamn sense?

In the future, when there are no more offices in the universe, I will begin a website dedicated to Microsoft hate mail. Because we can never forget the rage.

Trainers

2010-10-25T09:29:00.002-05:00

I'm supposed to train my replacement (again) today. It's 9:30, and there's no replacement. I'll be here forever.

Fridaze

2010-10-23T00:44:00.004-05:00

You may or may not notice that I am on page 83 of 533. Thanks Mr. Rushdie. By the way I BARELY see what Padma saw in you, you verbose maniac. Perhaps with the help of Abuelita's hot chocolate I'll make it through the weekend.

The Good Word...PSYCH

2010-10-14T11:20:00.002-05:00

If there's anything worse than Microsoft Office, specifically Word 2007, you can go ahead and let me know.

David Perez: Miniature Edition

2010-10-11T22:23:00.005-05:00

a) Dave Perez needs to spend some more time at home

b) Dave Perez is so broke he can't even afford toiletries big enough to house entire words

c) Dave Perez is actually a small child

d) Dave Perez buys Condi Rice's yet unreleased hair care line

Rise and Shine, Uptown

2010-10-11T09:14:00.004-05:00

Janitor: Man, you smoke weed?
Me: No, I don't.
Janitor, Man I got that Rhino.
Me: I don't even know what that is.
Janitor: It's that medical stuff. This little white dude gave it to me, like this much! (gestures a large square). I'm still high!
Me: Still high from what?
Janitor: Still high from last night! I tried to watch the football game, damn near broke my neck.

Before I Die

2010-10-08T09:38:00.003-05:00

THIS WILL HAPPEN

Breaking...

2010-10-07T09:17:00.002-05:00

I get into work today to find only the best gift an admin could ask for. Some kind soul wiped Windows Vista, the bane of my existence, from this horrible PC and replaced it with a kindler, gentler form of madness: WINDOWS XP.

New Food Group

2010-10-06T10:15:00.004-05:00

The only thing I like better than Friday Night Lights is Robyn, and the only thing I like better than Robyn is chili garlic paste. An over the top, acid reflux inducing, nasal dripping, you can't even drink coffee after this bite of this because your taste buds are raw, desire for chili garlic paste. On eggs. On toast. On chicken. In noodle soup. CGP4Eva

Portrait of the Artist At Work

2010-10-02T16:54:00.006-05:00

The artist in residence at Hair Helmet Haus recently finished her second-comic-ever-to-be-published. This is her story.

It Got Cold Out

2010-10-02T16:49:00.001-05:00

Abuelita may look like a maniac, but she makes a mean cup of hot chocolate.

GIF LUV

2010-10-02T16:44:00.002-05:00

They turned the heat on in Hair Helmet Haus. Time to celebrate.

Real Talk: Weekend Edition

2010-10-02T14:14:00.002-05:00

It's always a Bonnie Raitt kind of day, homegirls.

Happy Friday Night, Losers.

2010-10-01T21:05:00.001-05:00

Whose Eyes?

2010-09-26T23:44:00.004-05:00

Thank god for Grace, because she "works" at a video store (one day a week is hardly labor) and I have a Bette Davis addiction. Watching a movie with Grace means watching a movie with two entirely different dialogues: one, of the actors and two, of Grace's constant shouts, shrieks, groans, gasps, clutching her chest and just general chatter.

She talks about the various plot developments of the film, potential directions the plot could go, her disagreements with what characters might be doing/saying, potential thoughts the characters might be having, disagreements with the actual and potential thoughts the characters might be having and, fun facts about the film and/or actors involved (a trait that only emerges only if she has the laptop).

But, to be fair, that's only if she's sitting in the Talking Chair- of the Ikea variety.

Back in the ChiLife Again

2010-09-25T11:30:00.001-05:00

All the women I live with prefer their books to me. Thank god I have Tucker to keep me interested.

slayerz

2010-09-25T01:25:00.004-05:00

me- "how was your summer?"

the janitor- "cuh-razy."

me- "oh, why?"

the janitor- "people trynna kill me."

me- "oh."

later in the conversation the janitor informed me that two weeks ago a man on the first floor of my building had been surrounded by thirty cops and arrested for murder.

M U R D E R.

And, he continued, just a few days ago that a man had been beaten almost to death on the corner of Wilson and Broadway. "I'm talkin brains all over the place and mad ambulances and all that" (and of course he saw whodunit). Did I mention that this beating happened at 9 am? Whoa mama, Uptown. Killin it. Literally and figuratively.

Return

2010-09-23T17:19:00.003-05:00

The day has come. I have returned (part time) to the trusty law firm. Strange things are afoot in the officelyfe, but one thing always remains the same: utter disorganization. The completed case files are a MESS, ol' girl working before me was straight up HIDING files she didn't feel like working on and the new receptionist/admin is not-so-jokingly referred to as the office slave. killar.

I was greeted in the lobby by the janitor who was extremely excited to see me. "Kemi! You're back!" he half-shouted. We, for the first time ever, partially embraced. And by embraced I mean that after our dap he linked elbows with me and we, like school girls walked to the stair case. "Ey, yo, tell Dion to give you that movie - but you have to cut the lights out when you watch it cuz it's mad dark."

The boss gave me a list of things to do around the office, namely "make everything run better, please."

"You got a handle on this?"

"Yes," I replied

"So I can go suck on my bottle like an emotionally inferior baby?"

"Yes."

T I L E S

2010-09-23T17:17:00.001-05:00

I came back with an epic win on this one, believe it or not. Those qs can be mad deadly son. I thank my lucky stars for that blank tile that showed up, Friday Night Lights style, to save the day.

Digital Love

2010-09-23T17:16:00.000-05:00

Real Talk: Midwest Reality Edition

2010-09-22T22:25:00.003-05:00

Coming back to Chicago is good for only one thing: mega cell phone reception. The red line still smells like urine, it's still too humid, the cyclists are still here, the bros are still everywhere with their curved ball caps and their light denim jeans with tears at the bottom (both the deliberately cut version and the worn down version- because bros don't know how to get jeans hemmed). And for real I saw an adult man wearing man Uggs that were fashioned to look like work boots. Fake red laces and all.

SuperPimp

2010-09-19T13:22:00.006-05:00

I don't know how to make this ish appear side by side so BEAR WITH ME.

Megaopolis

2010-09-19T12:59:00.003-05:00

Whitney and Matthew are on a driving tour of our great Nation. They ghosted through LA. Jenny sang Bonnie Raitt, Whitney sang Queen, Jenny and Whitney together sang Don't Go Breakin My Heart.

Livin Life for the Citay

2010-09-19T12:56:00.001-05:00

This is how we do.

CarLyfe

2010-09-19T12:49:00.003-05:00

I was hoping that this plate read "Prescription for Stunting," but alas it's just "Prescription for...something I don't understand."

This guy can park where ever the fuck he wants in the parking garage because he's driving a Maserati, apparently.

And, finally, personally, this is really how it should be done. Whaddabeaut.

Movies

2010-09-19T12:41:00.002-05:00

Saw "Easy A" last night. The only way to watch movies for teenagers about sex and high school is to watch it in a theater full of gay men in West Hollywood.

Magic Castle Pt. II

2010-09-19T12:28:00.002-05:00

BFFs4Eva

2 Things That Look Good In Real Life:

2010-09-17T20:12:00.002-05:00

1) Rolls-Royces on Santa Monica Boulevard as the sun goes down

2) Evan Rachel Wood driving on Santa Monica Boulevard at any point during the day

Real talk, homegirls. Shit is real.

The Hood. The Crew. The Classics.

2010-09-14T12:08:00.003-05:00

JWW steamrolled karoake last night. Her rendition of Silver Springs really touched the bartender, in particular, who shared a shot with her. I mean, it WAS epic. It was probs the best Silver Springs I've ever heard (sorry Stevie, sorry Megan).

A drunk old man also slayed last night with Otis Redding and Joe Cocker (with Jenny on backup).

Quad City DJs were in the book, but I decided to let Jenny have the limelight. Cos I'm nice like that.

I Lost The Fight

2010-09-13T11:06:00.002-05:00

Against Ikea. Those goddamn shelves we mounted slowly fell out of the wall. This is what happens when neither houses nor shelves are made out of solid wood. This is also what happens when two highly inexperienced people attempt carpentry arts. And, when you don't have the energy to wrestle with the particle board any longer, you just set it atop two bar stools and call it "shabby chic."

S N E A K P E E K

2010-09-12T15:27:00.003-05:00

I've been on a year-long hunt for a few choice Americana classics. I came upon one today. Woke up mad early, got the jump on the crowds. Scored a jacket for $70 (unfortch, I'm not a haggler) and ate a good hot dog. Heard more Japanese being spoken than ever before and Jenny got an ill sunburn on her neck.

Pasadena Flea Market 2010: Where Dreams Really Do Come True.

You can peep my dream lying across my shoulders starting September 21st.

Magic Is As Magic Does

2010-09-11T14:49:00.004-05:00

I went to the Magic Castle the other day. It's a mystical place tucked into the Hollywood Hills. You have to wear cocktail attire to get in (or ethnic garb) so I looked swank in a suit and tie. There's $8 valet parking, $25 half chickens, bad ties, drunk girls and lots and lots of magic. Real magic. Pulling doves out of "thin air" type shit. Pulling decks of cards and multiple red balls out of thin air, too. And, to even get into the place, you have to say "open sesame" to a secret door disguised as a bookcase. Killer.

Now, some of the magic was a little bit cheesy- cheesier than I expected, given that the craft of magic has had centuries to evolve- but Luigi "telepathic parrot" got my vote. As did the magician performing in the Parlour of Prestigination (look it up). He made the unfortunate decision to choose the drunkest girl in the room to help him perform that tricks, an error he himself voiced during one of the tricks. She attempted to squirrel away one of the magic coins, ran her hand across the card table in a spider-like movement and generally talked too loudly.

My ultimate favorite dudes in the haus, though, were these three magic nerds posted up at one of the parlour tables. They watched with their large bellies, slightly too long salt and pepper beards and pants hiked up past their trouser socks as they took turns with the deck and looked very, very intently at each other. When their tricks were done they would accept commentary and Dungeons & Dragons metaphors. Long live magic, broheims.

Never Too Old to Want to Sob Into the Pages

2010-09-08T01:03:00.007-05:00

(a delightful read with a delightful emergen-c concotion)

Well, I just finished Mockingjay by Suzanne Collins. Things have really ended. The final book. It's all over. I don't have any other young adult novel series to read now. Katniss Everdeen, my personal heroine of the last couple of years, has matured into an understandably tormented pre-adult involved in the goriest story to ever hit the young adult circuit.

In Mockingjay Katniss runs amok in the Capital with rebel bandits hunting down the terrorist-president SNOW and getting all of the people she cares about killed in a variety of violent ways. She continues to have her baby mama drama and a little of this, a little of that: she defeats all of her enemies while managing to remain more or less clueless when it comes to selflessness, logic and emotional maturity. BUT! with the help of morphine she finds her way into adulthood with the victor of her heart, lots of nightmares and emotional isolation. Totes brillz.

Katniss, I was only along for the ride. So long, fake friend, so long.

Extreme Dangers

2010-09-05T17:32:00.003-05:00

Griffith Park will break ya neck. Walked for like a hundred miles uphill today and, let me tell you, it's smart to not wear black jeans and $9 target shoes. On the plus side, I really did feel James Dean's spirit up thurr on the Observatory deck.

Cyuuuuute smog, LA!

Awesomopolis

2010-09-05T17:24:00.002-05:00

Thanks to Aunt Jayne I will now be attending any and all loud events with either my wintermint or my sugar plum glitter crusted custom-fitted ear plugs.

Spotted.

2010-09-03T20:20:00.003-05:00

A man laying half-naked in the park across the street. He laid on his side propped up on one elbow, holding a square mirror. With the other hand he focused an extra-large microscope onto the mirror, thus reflecting a presumably "brighter" sun beam onto his face. Which he, in turn, slowly rotated from left to right.

Smells Like I Have It Better Than Anyone

2010-09-01T20:43:00.015-05:00

I was going to title this blog post 'cat fud' and I was like 'damn man, why am I thinking of cat fud' so much lately? Haven't I already titled one of these posts 'cat fud'? And then I realized that more often than not when I think of the word "food," I do in fact ACTUALLY think of "cat fud." More specifically, I think of my younger self reading THE FAR SIDE. When's the last time you thought of Gary Larson? Well I just did the thinking for you.

MAJOR lulz.

Anyway, this lady, when not singing Tammy Wynette at the Smog Cutter, often makes some killer cat fud for me.

If you really put some hard work and gumption into a purple potato you get deliciousness.

I'm a Master

2010-08-31T16:31:00.001-05:00

of Performance Studies, that is. My thesis totes passed. Next paper I write is going to include "totes" in the title.

Saturdaze

2010-08-28T21:38:00.003-05:00

Which took longer to do: The NY Times sunday crossword, or building these goddamn Ikea shelves?

Also, quick game: how many lamps are in this picture?

Dinner Partaaaaay

2010-08-28T20:03:00.003-05:00

The sequence of photos reflects the sequence of emotions: the delicious main plate, the tentative look at the plate from one whose salivation is nearing peak (heidi), total joy (jenny), utter satisfaction (ben), the extremely good desert.

I Made It!

2010-08-25T23:54:00.003-05:00

To the world of smartphones, that is. Dave kindly gifted me his busted-ass iphone and you may now consider me officially inducted into the world of adults. The LCD screen was busted (Dave 'Butterfingers' Perez) and I took it for repairs at the "iRepair Clinic" which is basically- well, quite literally- an old Jewish man in his garage.

Joe's his name. He's older, disheveled, avoids eye contact and is a whiz with l'parts du macintosh. His office is 1/2 of his small garage sitting on the back lot of his property behind his sweet little home. You walk in and the place is a MESS. And i mean a mess. There are piles of shit everywhere. Parts, boxes, packing tape, bubble shit, books, audio tapes on how to run small businesses and layers of thank-you-for-saving-my-technological-life notes are taped on the walls. The guts of ipods, the cases of those first generation ipods (whaddup jake seltzer and rita van allen aka the first people i knew with ipods!!!) all kinds of mini boards and circuits and blah blah.

The waiting room is two folding chairs directly behind Joe's workstation, which is itself an old-ass wooden desk with a horribly uncomfortable looking desk chair covered in that awful blue, constantly pilling, cloth. There are half-completed desktops sitting all over the place (interestingly, Joe seems to be running his operation using a PC) and all kinds of cords lazing about. Since the whole place is tricked out with surveillance cameras you can see when somebody's walking circles around the house trying to find the garage/office, and you can see when Joe goes into the next room to use a blow dryer to get the dust motes off the iphone screen. He's very serious about dust- scratches are aight, he says, but the dust "really gets [me]."

This is looking like a yelp review. sick. basically i made it. hit it big time. thanks dave. thanks joe.

Nothing Ever Happens on NPR

2010-08-25T13:07:00.004-05:00

Today's stand-in for Larry Mantle on Talk of the Nation is talking about the egg recall currently in process (stay away from Sunshine eggs!!!!). But it's not only eggs he thinks we should be thinking about: "How safe is food [dramatic pause] overall?"

C'mon NPR. Even your shock and awe one-liners are a snooze. Should have taken a cue from the city of Blaine on how to make the boring irresistible:

Box-step away!

You Are My Sunshine, My Only Oh God I'm So Depressed

2010-08-22T12:58:00.008-05:00

Has anybody else thumbed through the 2011 Ikea catalog and that something was a little, well, off? I've seen that documentary on Norwegian black metal- and Norway's not that far from Sweden. And this presumably Swedish "dad" is clutching that baby a little close. He might need to keep that curtain open and invest in a sun lamp.

Status of My Eyeballs:

2010-08-20T21:31:00.003-05:00

falling out.

GMA

2010-08-19T18:46:00.004-05:00

Grandma with some true-blue-hotdish. A new recipe from the vaults. Chowmein hotdish. Real. Talk.

There's really no reason NOT to eat hotdish all the time. Everything mixes together and is basically delicious. For example, Aunt Patty hates cooked carrots. Grandma stocked this hotdish full of carrots knowing full well that Aunt Patty "hates" them. I personally hate cooked mushrooms, a fact I did not relate to grandma as she added them to the mix. Did we hear any complaints from me or Patty upon eating? No. Because when you eat a hotdish everything is the same temperature, texture and taste. And I mean that in a real good way.

Yes, that is a Mikes Hard Limeade over ice in the background. Yes, it was delicious.

Jenny Walton-To The Tune of Iris Dement-Wetzel

2010-08-19T18:22:00.004-05:00

uh ooooooh! SOMEbody's stringing up the ol' mountain dulcimer!!! I don't know if you all know what this means, but when Jenny strings something up and gets to singing it's basically heaven. Cue: swoon.

I made a GIF:

Create avatar

Wedding Travels

2010-08-18T14:35:00.006-05:00

I went to two weddings this month. Megan and Achy in cedar rapids and Joel and Melissa minneapolis. And as was oft repeated during joel and melissa's wedding, it took them 10 years. Clap it out for them. The midwest is obviously feeling the love.

The weddings basically started off like this:

and ended like this

grace was at both of them

and she was so hyped she sang about it

There's a Minneapp for That.

2010-08-15T19:28:00.006-05:00

Pre-wedding festivities.
Warning: there's a lot of Sam in this post.
I double-dog-dare you to look away.

Tucker J. Gerrick and Sam Cassidy, or: My Gentle Hosts, if you're not into the whole brevity thing

What's better: Grace or Best Summer Ever?

Catherine's epic press.

College headz. Nikki and Rachel slaying at Sunnyside.

Sam when Leslie's on vacation:

Sam when Leslie's in town:

Vay-Cay-Cay

2010-08-13T10:36:00.002-05:00

As in "vacation." As in, "I'm vacationing in the Midwest for a couple of weeks." Namely, Faribault, Minnesota. It's approximately 90 degrees every day, and humid as all hell. I'm watching Kathy Griffin at my grandma's house because she has air conditioning, cable and lots and lots of diet caffeine free cherry coke. JACKPOT.

What Do Neil Young, Kevin Costner and The Boss Have in Common?

2010-08-03T16:55:00.007-05:00

They all came along sailing with me. Rather, I kept references to all three men in heavy rotation as I sailed the untamed seas off the coast of Marina Del Ray. Upward to Santa Monica we sailed, traipsing amongst dolphin pods, wild pelicans and the wind wisps of Aeolus himself.

Our steady steed:

Six long seasons of Lost have taught us all the meaning of "Oceanic."

Our own personal Captain Jack Sparrow

This Jenny got super ready.

This Jenny got busy in other ways.

Basically this is how good sailing is:

Cat Fud

2010-08-01T22:37:00.005-05:00

At the Apple Pan I anxiously await the Hickory Burger: Lettuce, Tillamook cheddar, tomato, two pickles. (Note the Coke can features a sailboat. Cue the foreshadow).

Apparently I majorly faux pas-ed because I picked my paper cup full of Coke out of the Lily Cup metal holder. "It's all the pleasure of drinking out of a glass without having to wash dishes!" exclaimed Jenny.

(Almost) After:

And I think, "These are the final bites of the best burger I've had in the last 6-8 years."

Hot Hot Heat

2010-07-30T17:09:00.008-05:00

Ol' girl in Palm Springs. So hot you can't see shapes. Reminds me of a little ditty from back in the day...

How Do You Eat Food, Again?

2010-07-29T22:34:00.007-05:00

Not only do waiters in LA freely give dieting advice as you order, they also draw hearts on your receipts.

"And the Memphis long-bone ribs are as long as my forearm" (gestures from her elbow to her wrist whilst looking outside). Wake up Maggie, I think I got something to say to you. Like I'm not an idiot.

Big Ballin

2010-07-29T13:03:00.004-05:00

While Chase Bank thinks it's been hustlin me, I'VE been hustlin them. Whaddup Minneapolis???

Killing Corporate one 31 dollar plane ticket at. a. TIME.

Welcome to the Vortex

2010-07-26T17:33:00.004-05:00

AT&T is ruining my life.

"Welcome to West Hollywood, where you're not allowed to make phone calls."

Real talk, AT&T, technology edition: I didn't have a two-week long screaming match to get out of my T-mobile contract without paying a dime, and by screaming match I mean that my mom called them every single day until they caved in, to have to walk at least three blocks away from the apartment in order to get ONE bar on my shitty slide phone.

Let's bring back morse code. I'll tap-tap-tap shit out for days while AT&T "fixes" the "towers" that are "malfunctioning."

"I was like 'GOOD GRACIOUS'"

2010-07-24T14:38:00.003-05:00

This is what I'm doing this weekend. Sunscreen commercial.

Sho-liz Shawties

2010-07-22T13:36:00.005-05:00

Hey hottie. And by hottie I mean you, you Chevelle Malibu, you. 1971? '72? 69??? You're a real beauty and you should be mine. Oh, Dave, you look good too.

LA knows what it's doing when it comes to mega whips. Young men new to their money money money drive BMWs, old man money drives Jaguars, weirdos drive Bentleys and Rolls Royce's and everyone else drives the new Ford Mustangs, inexplicably. Well, AMERICANS drive muscle. And by American I mean people like me who are too broke to drive fantasize about driving at all.

Big up to JWW for the stealth iPhone snap.

It's Okay, We're From Here.

2010-07-20T18:14:00.007-05:00

While you thanked Marci Carsey for giving you Roseanne, The Cosby Show and That 70s Show, I thanked Marci Carsey for giving me her house in Malibu for the weekend. The usual suspects took four glorious, sun-filled days to celebrate Dave's 30th birthday with the utmost style, muchos Tecates and the usual antics.

The birthday dude.

The babe.

For further clarification, yes, Jenny is wearing a Guatemalan frock. I made her wear it because, well, it's perfect.

Coming together from across the lands for el Señor aka the Mayor of the Ukranian Village aka DavidonDemand aka the Real Talk Express: Friend Edition.

Killer.

Jenny got righteous in the pool.

Uncle Victor got real in the kitchen (hola world's best enchiladas), and Dave got real behind the bar. Manhattans In Malibu.

Some very nice ladies helped us out in the eating department.

This is pretty much how we felt every day. Reminder that this photo is taken on the same grassy knoll (allegedly) that Brad Pitt and Jennifer Boringston were married on.

Putting Jenny in a headlock because I could.

I spent most of my time doing this. Because I could.

Here's lookin' at you, broheim.

Au revoir rich life. With a little elbow grease and creative genius, maybe someday soon I too will be a billionaire.

A Day In The Schmife

2010-07-16T13:44:00.005-05:00

Get Fat Burger

2010-07-15T19:21:00.003-05:00

I, graciously dubbed Keami, anxiously await my small Fatburger with the works. Cheese, relish, tomato, lettuce, mustard, ketchup, onion, skinny fries and a Diet Coke, you know, to keep my figure and all.

Splish Splash, I Was Blah Blah Blah

2010-07-15T11:37:00.004-05:00

If A=B, and B=C then C=sitting in a hot and humid laundromat on a Wednesday.

Yeah RIGHT

2010-07-13T00:53:00.003-05:00

Newport's got it all wrong. Nobody EVER has this much "pleasure" putting way too much gross-ass-mustard on a potato chip.

Papa Can You Hear Me

2010-07-13T00:27:00.005-05:00

Cool dads are everywhere in LA. They love to walk around in breezy, slate colored deep-v-necked tshirts and jeans, some of which are approaching bell-bottom territory, others approaching the cool dad faded wash and still others sport cool dad tears and holes.

With their slim cool dad silhouettes established, these men among men drink grown-up beers at restaurants while their children eat organic mozzarella sticks. They take their adolescent kids, whom they let make all their own clothes shopping decisions, to Amoeba to buy "vintage" Kurt Cobain records and maybe a Taylor Swift CD (for irony's sake). Oh, you cool dads, you.

Usually cool dads chatter absent-mindedly at their children, smiling smugly to passers by that they, the cool dads, can have grown-up conversations with their babies. Some cool dads take their self-sufficient toddlers to openings.

Some cool dads are are super rich, and super secretive, though. Wassup Cristiano Jr??

Paul Revere Would Have Something to Say About This

2010-07-09T15:00:00.003-05:00

After 20 minutes I went to the kitchen to see why the kettle hadn't started to boil.

This is what happens when you let Jenny run shit in the morning.

Postin' Up

2010-07-08T23:05:00.003-05:00

This one's for Grace. Welcome to Echo Parque, loca. I found Sad Girl's boyfriend:

How Many Books Does It Take For a Personal Pan Pizza, Son?

2010-07-07T00:45:00.004-05:00

It's a two-book-week, homegirls. Hyperion, a sci-fi jawn, and Miss Lonelyhearts, a pre-Wes Anderson sad man fest. Mostly, what's important is that the two share a common character: (The, in Hyperion) SHRIKE. In the sci-fi world the shrike is a hot-mess, all-metal,sometimes lady, sometimes pilgrammage-worthy deity, all the time human-slaughtering machine-thing. In Miss Lonelyhearts Shrike is a wet-blanket, secretly insecure hyper-masculine boss of a newspaper. Bruthas from anutha mutha.

In other news, Homer Simpson just showed up in the third book I'm reading, The Day of the Locusts (secret's out, homegirls, it's a double-novel with Lonelyhearts).

You See Me Rollin...

2010-07-04T12:25:00.005-05:00

At 9:30 am I took a lil' ride down Crenshaw in search of a Starbucks Google Maps claimed to be in place. First thing I saw was a woman wearing a nice brown linen dress surrounded and arrested by six police officers. Just another morning. In this neighborhood there are signs posted saying if you drive past one point more than two times in six hours then you are cruising. Which is decidedly illegal. Maybe ol' girl got picked up for trying ride spinners in peace. CAN I LIVE??

Well, I myself drove past the same point four times in thirteen minutes in search of this mythic Starbucks. Cue KRS-One: Woop woop that's the sound of da police.

Put Yo Hands (Patrick Swayzes) In the Ai-yuh

2010-07-03T19:31:00.005-05:00

Some arty signs floating above the streets these days. This must mean that Pat S. really is dead.

Dancing With Myself

2010-07-03T19:25:00.004-05:00

Jenny knows what LA's all about, mainly that it's always ok to wear your soft pants. I tried to capture it, in a decidedly LA moment things got real weird real quick.

Scared Thrift

2010-07-03T19:11:00.003-05:00

Jellybeans floating in a water tank that quietly reflects light whilst waiting for your quarters:

Oh hay terrifying doll staring at me as I round the corner in the outdoor thrift store:

Proactiv vending machine in the mall. Now you can moisturize your situation and preserve your sexy in a hot minute.

World Cup Club

2010-07-03T18:38:00.008-05:00

Moving to a new neighborhood means moving to a new viewing location for the 2010 World Cup. We chose right. For Ghana vs. Uruguay (what's Uruguay all about anygay?) we wound up at The (Hollywood) Happy Ending Bar & Restaurant. The place full of Ghanaian-expats hungry for the first African nation to make it into the semi-finals, but there were a few dejected Brazil fans rooting for Uruguay out of sheer hemispheric allegiance. We ate mad chicken nachos, drank bloody marys and there was an awkward love triangle next to us that played out like Fanon's colonial love fantasy.

How many of the FIFTY total flat screens can you find in this picture?:

But way more importantly, the Turkish Scott Storch showed up for a few Newcastles (his girl was strictly rocking Long Islands). Where are you Scott?! Bring the heat back!!!

Shortly after this shot, which would be just before noon, a statuesque woman ordered a Belvedere and soda and a Rosé (presumably for her friend). Unfortunately neither was stocked.

L. Ron Hubbard: Homeboy.

2010-06-29T12:57:00.004-05:00

Jenny took Legacy and me to brunch in the shadow of sheer terror, aka the Los Angeles Scientology Center. The entire complex consists of several large buildings (think high-density apartment buildings) and they are all painted this blue. Young people in black pants and white button-down shirts roam around smiling and doctors from the near-by hospital scurry past. Cabrini Green has nothing on the Scientology Projects.

This is Very Important

2010-06-29T12:50:00.003-05:00

FLOPPY DISK. Jenny's been traveling all of these years with a floppy disk reader and a bundle of old documents immortalized in plastic format. Rather than perhaps transfer these documents to a computer, she prefers to haul the heavy, brightly colored "disks" rubber-banded together from city to city. I do, however, appreciate the range of technologies displayed on the recently purchased teal side table. Computers, wood, CDs, laminate, Ikea lanterns, cork coaster blah blah blah FLOPPY DISKS.

Wassup Clear?

2010-06-27T18:29:00.002-05:00

What happens when you have a clear sink? You try to keep it real clean. REAL clean. Next house I house sit will have a clear bathtub or else.

Great America

2010-06-27T18:28:00.001-05:00

I stomped on a bacon cheeseburger, Argentina stomped on Mexico.

Cruisin' USA

2010-06-26T22:08:00.007-05:00

This is what you do in LA. Rolling casual through Koreatown.

Hola Silverlake Reservoir. What you CAN'T see is us cruising over the top of the hill, seeing only sky and realizing the downhill 75 degree angle to be traversed. Hola stomping on the clutch and pumping the brakes.

Sometimes car rides can be sweet though. You might think Jenny is welling up here because she's so distressed about being in the car so much, but what she's REALLY doing is crying about the country song that came on the radio. "He was saying I love you the only way he knew how."

Speaking of USA (soccer), Bradley, it was all your fault.

It's Time

2010-06-24T13:25:00.003-05:00

We need a national anthem overhaul. Been watching a lot of the World Cup and I'm hearing a lot of CRAP. I'm not trynna hear the national anthems of Cameroon, Spain, the Ivory Coast and everyone else and hear some big brass band play some snooze-notes while some large man throttles through the unintelligible lyrics. Break out of the box, brothas. We need auto-tune, we need multiple harmonies, we need some complex drum patterns, we need some intense backbeats AMIRITE?!

Move

2010-06-24T01:57:00.005-05:00

We're moving JWW to the gay mecca otherwise known as West Hollywood. Beach bods, bad tans, bad tattoos and even badder haircuts. Jenny went all LA with it and purchased a Honda Fit- a vehicle , judging by the 405, almost exclusively driven by women. The Fit is a SOUND choice for anyone who ever needs to get anywhere with items. The Fit is like a flat-bed truck: a haul master, a haul meister a haul megastar. You might not be fully able to tell from this picture, but the Fit is a deep, dark mess of space (we fit half an apartment- mind you, a studio apartment- in this joint):

Here we find the Fit parked at the West Hollywood post office, where botox gets passed around like First Class mail stamps. Hey go-go boys get ready for the new U-Haul, ya digg.

Birthday Shoes

2010-06-23T12:23:00.001-05:00

I was born in these. Actually I got them for $5 the other day. Aunt Joannie will be proud to hear they are Cole Haan. I think you can wear this sort of thing in West Hollywood no prob.

Heart Attack Schmart Attack

2010-06-23T01:28:00.006-05:00

I haven't felt this way since Dunkin Donuts in Uptown.

Peeped this at the West Hollywood iHop. It's the only place you can see a geriatric couple roll up in a Jaguar (old-ass man wearing navy slacks and a brand new Lakers championship jacket, equally old-ass woman clutching a Diet Pepsi with a bendy straw in it) for a quick coupla pancakes with boysenberry sauce. After my "Quick Two Breakfast" sans pancakes I exited the premises with a last look at the next level in lemonade-ing.

Mmm...is right homeboy, get your sprinks on.

Thrift Store Dreams

2010-06-23T01:20:00.004-05:00

I've been to about 40 thrift stores in the Los Angeles metropolitan area in the last five days. Goodwill has major control over its situation: items grouped by color, texture and/or pattern. The Salvation Army is more or less depressing in its stock as well in its customers, though I did pick up a DENIM jacket there. But, basically, frequenters of the Orange County Goodwill need to get their freak checked if you nawmsayin.

California Brings the Heat

2010-06-22T01:09:00.001-05:00

david on demand

2010-06-21T13:16:00.000-05:00

ice cream bangin

America

2010-06-21T00:48:00.002-05:00

The only thing bigger than my hair on the cross-country road trip I took last fall was mt rushmore itself.

We were too cheap to pay to get closer.

Wake Up, Wake Up

2010-06-20T13:48:00.002-05:00

only the best iced coffee in westwood (short of cold press, starbucks, coffee bean & tea).

For-ev-ER

2010-06-19T15:52:00.003-05:00

World Famous

2010-06-19T13:17:00.002-05:00

these guys are far away, around the world.

Gif creator

World Cup Bonanza

2010-06-18T16:03:00.001-05:00

"Hello I'm Sheila, welcome to another fun-filled day at Jerry's, YES you can have crayons, NO I will not talk to you about sports so if you want to know about so-and-so at the what-and-what you're out of luck."

Sunny and 75 FOREVER

2010-06-18T15:49:00.005-05:00

First off, in LA, everyone drinks Diet Coke all the time and they're always on their iphones. This photo of Jenny doing both before she even gets out of bed is representative of these larger trends.

I don't live out of suitcases, I live out of piles. This is only short-term parking, we're moving to West Hollywood on Tuesday (you have NO idea what's in store).

Speaking of parking, this is what moving around in LA looks like. Bumper-to-bumper cars. You might find a Maserati in between a Ford and a Toyota.

LA hates providing services, so they make you go to bars where you get drinks like you're at the Rice County Fair. You use your credit card, buy some tokens that get put on on another card and then you walk around swiping this card into these mega machines with wine bottles hooked in and you get wine by the OUNCE. What this means is that you spend tons-o-money for swills of wine whilst sitting amonst the brunos and bettys all dressed up after a long day at the beach.

LA is mad weird, folks.

Literacy

2010-06-16T18:24:00.003-05:00

I just finished my good friend Phil Pullman's trilogy for children (otherwise known as young adults) THE GOLDEN COMPASS. It's like this: young buck lyra has some ish to take care of, namely bringing down christianity. Some witches get involved. Some angels. Some animal friends. There's some family drama. There's some future-telling and there's a sharp knife. And also a blossoming adolescent love interest (Will). In the end Lyra wins, the kingdom of heaven is brought down in favor of a republic of heaven, she falls in love and makes amends with her daemon.

In terms of young adult female leads Lyra has nothing on The Hunger Games' Katniss, who brings the pain. Lyra's got real problems with following directions, rational thinking and physical stamina, but, real talk, it's hard being 12.

Live or Die

2010-06-15T21:45:00.003-05:00

Los Angelenos love toyota trucks, particularly the tacoma circa 2000. They ride them jawns everywhere and every single one of them is grey/silver. Some have toppers, some don't. Some have lined truck beds, some don't. But what los angelenos REALLY love is living in filth.